“…I think I’m in love with Italian food.”

I shouldn’t be watching The Office this late at night. It just makes me long for someone to come into my life. The relationship Jim and Pam have makes me so happy; I just wish I had someone. I’d like to be comforted. I guess I’ll just have to wait.

 

Seriously though, where is my special person who makes me smile?

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back home

The last time I wrote I was at home. I feel that it’s only suitable to write again now.
When I was at school, there were a lot of times where I had thoughts that I wanted to write about. Sentence by sentence stories. How I felt about the production of ‘Hamlet’. Ideas. Realizations about myself. But every time I sat at my computer, it was to do homework. Never to write here, never to write the ideas in my head.

When I’m at school, I feel like the life is sucked out of me. I never used to feel like that. I just feel like whenever I’m at school, I have to hide myself. All I want to do is be by myself and sleep. I don’t even want to talk to the majority of my friends because I don’t feel like I can trust them anymore.

When you find out that what you thought were private conversations weren’t, how are you supposed to react?

Me: Oh, no, that’s totally fine. Don’t worry that you hurt my feelings. That I feel like not only can I not trust you (my roommate), but I can’t trust my friends as well! Perfect.

Roommate: No problem! I’m just going to pretend we never had this conversation. ‘Cause we had our big fight, so let’s just sweep that and all the issues we have under the rug. Glad you’re cool with this.

I hope my withering sarcasm can be felt through that dialogue. I just don’t know how to handle betrayal. I’ve never felt so ‘stabbed-in-the-back’y. It’s just incredibly frustrating.

The only way I could escape was to go to my secret hiding spot. Which I couldn’t even go to during finals week because I was so stressed with doing my final papers. It really sucked, because I missed my cozy hide y-hole. At least some of my finals involved painting. I could go and disappear in the art building for hours.

Should I want to disappear for hours? I don’t know. I feel like I should want to spend time with my friends. But I guess I really don’t. Hopefully over the summer I’ll heal. Otherwise I don’t know how I’m going to live in an apartment with them next year. Thank goodness I have a new roommate. I’ll have to fill our room / apartment with all the cute things I’ve made / bought at garage sales / thrifting.

I’m really excited to go thrifting. :3

discord and chaos

Where ever I go, I always feel like I’m surrounded by chaos. I never can relax. There’s always something more to cause discord. Ugh. It’s extremely frustrating. I need someone to balance me out. Because I’m sick of the drama.

I hate knowing that I have to go back to school tomorrow, and I’m not even excited to see my friends. I’m only really excited to go back because I’ll be able to throw some vases and bottles. I just don’t want to go and feel like an intruder in my own room. Because that’s how I’ve been feeling of late. I’ll probably go to my secret hide-out and write. I was inspired on my bike ride today when I saw ducks flying in the sky.

art=love

Whenever I do art stuff, I like to imagine that I’m someone famous in the past / future. I was glazing the inside of my tea bowls the other day, and I just felt connected to those old tea masters in Japan that would take care of all the tea stuff. It was a weird experience. That’s why I’m such a nerd, haha.

I finished my unstretched canvas painting the other day too. It ended up looking like a galaxy halfway through, so I started using that as inspiration. I love how it turned out. Hopefully it’ll still look awesome when it’s dry and I come back on monday.

I wish I could just do things like this instead of worrying about my dumb senior seminar next semester. The art department hasn’t messed up my schedule yet! I wish I wasn’t so far away from school so I could come in and throw some bowls and stuff. Before I left I threw a really nice cylinder combo that will look like a grecian amphora when it’s connected, but I can’t decide if I want to go to school and connect it or not. Gas is expensive, and it’s 45 minutes away. That’s roughly four hours, and I’m feeling really lazy. I’d much rather laze about and play FFX. And maybe finally beat it. (Although it would be a lot easier if my PS2 wasn’t on the fritz…)

WoahIhaven’twritteninalongtimeagain!

I’ve been obsessing over a kind of old t.v. show that I used to watch in middle school/high school. Now that I’m at the end of the series again, I’m remembering how sad I was that it ended! I’m living that depressing, I-wish-it-wasn’t-ending-why-did-they-stop-it?!?! feeling.

I suppose that I should actually mention the show at this point, before I’m swept up by the hurricane of nostalgia. And typhoon of wishing. Or something as equally dramatic. I’ve been feeling like that a lot lately. Right. Show.

It’s ‘Charmed’. And it’s chock full of all the things I want right now/have always wanted. Sisters. Magic. Love. Haha.

Sorry that basically anything below here will be a spoiler. Not that I expect anyone to suddenly have a desire to watch it or anything.

I’ve always wanted sisters. That’s why I’m super jealous of the relationships of Prue/Piper/Phoebe and later Piper/Phoebe/Paige. And it’s especially awesome that they’re women who kick-ass. I think I have what’s defined as a “girl crush”. I think you can admire people, and it’s perfectly fine.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how they all find love at the end, and I guess I’m also in that depressed mood of: where’s my CoopHenryLeo?? Augh. But! Their waiting eventually ended with good relationships (and yes, I know they’re not real, but I hope everyone gets my point). So my mopinghopingwondering leaves me with the thought that eventually it will happen for me too! Ideally. Or a demon could kill me. Good thing they’re (hopefully) not real. But you kind of wonder sometimes….

I

I love their hair. They look super happy too haha. I’m sure this image is copyrighted or something…no infringement intended!

But yeah. I guess they inspire me. Work hard, live well, and you’ll get good things in your life.

I love how I’m taking life lessons from a t.v. show. Hey, sometimes you just relate more to fictional characters than real people, ya know?

back at school….

I just want to procrastinate a bit, hah. Taking three english classes and two art. I’m excited because two of my english classes fit together nicely, so hopefully it’ll be less studying. And I’m super excited for my painting class 🙂

 

Just need to adjust to being back I think. It would help if I was unpacked x/

Old things

Flapper’s are pretty cool. I’d style my hair like a flapper if I could pull off the short hair thing. It probably would’ve been fun to live during the 1920s.

And I really love my photo editing on my computer, so I can pretend to be.

This all started because I found some really awesome photos while looking around my house last night. They’re roughly from the 70s (and possibly earlier). Family members must have taken them and for some reason or another got to my dad. I was showing my mom ones that I thought were really cool for their imperfections, and one of them was of a couple’s wedding reception. Both the bride and the groom had their heads cut off by the photographer, and I liked that it gave the picture anonymity, because you couldn’t see who the bride and groom were. The conversation went along the lines of this:

Me: Isn’t this a cool picture?

Mom: Their heads are cut off.

Me: I know, but it’s cool. You can’t tell who they are; they could be anyone.

Mom: Why did someone keep this?

Pretty much any picture that I thought was aesthetically pleasing because of its imperfections had a conversation like this. But we had a lot of fun looking at old photographs, in the time before I was born. I love things like this.

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